Uncivil Discourse

Because civility is overrated.

Monday, August 22, 2005

The Show Must Go On

After weeks of ignoring Cindy Sheehan, our little organ grinder monkey president has decided it's time to go on tour to do on a larger scale what he couldn't take 10 minutes to do in a one on one chat. He's gonna stand up there in front of wildly masturbating pre-screened crowds, who will be jerking around like a bunch of Pentacostals who think they've been possessed by the spirit of the Lord. The old Dionysiac mysteries won't have anything on the sheer cultishness of it all, except that the women involved will have just been let out of the house by their husbands, the sort of misogynistic fuckers who would support John Roberts for Associate Justice. Also, less gay sex, for obvious reasons.

They'll be wanking and wanking until they can't wank anymore, living the old Andrew Dice Clay joke about how he started masturbating when he was 12 and by the time he was 14 he thought he'd broken the thing. And before them all, pleasuring himself until even the most skilled fluffer can't get him another go, will be our fearless leader. He'll compare the Iraq war to World War II -- after all, don't you remember when the Iraqi insurgents bombed Pearl Harbor? Then he'll compare the process of building the Howevermanyfucking Billions of Dollars Iraq to the building of this country, just like Dick and Donny have been doing (nevermind that we're the redcoats there). And to top it all off, he'll start chanting "9/11 9/11 9/11" until he hits that final, orgasmic note, spewing his manhood all over the thrilled audience. And then it's onto the next city, with an icepack on his crotch, to repeat the whole thing over again.

Because, after all, there's nothing left to say. When you can't sit down with a single person to give a statement, however brief, of why we went to war, what else can you do? That speaks louder than all of the soundbites you can manage to throw around. When you need a crowd that already approves of you to be able to feel like you're not bombing, you're already well past the point of bombing, as any standup can tell you. The brilliance of what Cindy Sheehan did is right here: she showed that the president and his handlers know perfectly well that her son died for no reason. Whatever else you think of her motivations, that fact is front and center. The president of the United States, the man responsible for us going to war, could not produce a reason for it other than "We just gotta stay the course." And that's why the circlejerk must go on: as any horny teenage boy knows, there's nothing like a good masturbation session to take the mind off what ails you.