Uncivil Discourse

Because civility is overrated.

Thursday, May 05, 2005

Time To Unliberate Iraq

Marriage, you see, is a sacred thing. In fact, if you listen to certain individuals who are best referred to by long strings of obscenities rather than their given names (for example, that shit-licking toadfucking knuckle-dragging twatsickle, or that brain-dead remnant of an intestinal infection who wouldn't know the difference between his penis and an ant if his penis actually moved), it's the single most sacred thing known to man, which is why all homosexuals need to be herded into camps as the deviant, marriage-ruining, ass-sex loving perverts that they are (note of course that deviant, marriage-ruining, ass-sex loving heterosexuals are a-ok, especially if they're Republicans).

It seems, though, that those damned ungrateful Iraqi heathens have taken this "freedom" we've so graciously bestowed on them a little too seriously. See, under Saddam, these "pleasure marriages" - short term contracts for sex - were, how do you say, illegal, and even talking about them could land one in jail. Ah, the good old days, when Iraq was moral, pleasure marriages were outlawed, and it was totally ok to put people in rape rooms or sic dogs on them for no reason (whereas now in our too-free society, such a thing is viewed as an atrocity). But now they're legal, and may even be given a constitutional protection!

I fully expect to see such moral luminaries as James Dobson, Rick Santorum, and Pat Robertson demand that we in no way give the impression of supporting a regime that would undermine the sanctity of marriage in this way, after the valiant effort that they gave to protect marriage here at home, in a society that's already God-forsaken and secularist. After all, it's not like Iraq's engaging in apartheid or anything reasonable like that, and we should not let them go wrong only months after starting!

And I can just see the stickers those patriots at CPAC will be selling next year, right by the ones that say "No Muslims, No Terrorism." Oh, they will be full of some witty wordplay on Islam, and maybe some fun slogans about how without Muslims, marriage would be completely alright. Those cocksucking fools will come up with something so brilliant, I can't even begin to think of what it might be.

And meanwhile, it's time to mobilize those troops, cause when we said they were free, we really didn't mean it, any more than we're truly free here. See, freedom would include something like a right to privacy, a right to choose whom you have sex with without being demoted to second class citizenship, and so on, and we all know we clearly don't have that. No, we can't let Iraq become the affront to God our relativistic society has been. It's unliberation time, motherfuckers!