Uncivil Discourse

Because civility is overrated.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Rumors on the Internets

The Internets have been mean to Tom DeLay, and now he's firing back with the force of a thousand used douches. You see, "The Hummer," as he is known in porn circles, is thoroughly covered in the shit he harvested with the likes of Jack Abramoff. And now, like a monkey in a cage, he's trying to randomly throw it at everyone around.

First he went after Democrats, claiming "everyone else does it, so why can't I?" That didn't work so fucking well, because this is a wonderful news story, full of money, scandal, and politics, and so the media wants to milk it for all it's worth (this time, they're not schmucks for it, unlike the largely made up Clinton stories).

But now DeLay, despite skipping on the "Judges Make Jesus Cry" conference, has decided those damned activist judges are precisely his ticket out of humiliation. See, if there's one thing that attracts Americans more than scandal, it's public shitthrowing. And who's a better target for DeLay's fecal matter than a Supreme Court Judge? Especially if he's a Supreme Court judge appointed by a fucking Republican god who decided the execution of juveniles was "cruel and unusual".

Oh, but DeLay panted, like a dog in heat, "He used international law to come to this conclusion!" He didn't read the Constitution literally! He looked at something called a "moral consensus!" And if Republicans know something, it's that consensus is not good at all. No, the Eighth Amendment doesn't mention anything about executing juveniles. Nor does it mention anything about disembowelment. Damn activist judges, stopping us from disemboweling prisoners.

Besides, if killing juveniles was good enough for Aaron Burr, it's good enough for us, goddamnit, and so agree renowned constitutional scholars Phyllis Schlafly and James "Poster Boy For Freud" Dobson. Later, DeLay proceeded to metaphorically pick up the skull of Alexander Hamilton, who wrote "It equally proves, that though individual oppression may now and then proceed from the courts of justice, the general liberty of the people can never be endangered from that quarter; I mean so long as the judiciary remains truly distinct from both the legislature and the Executive," and repeatedly fucked the eye socket, shrieking out in orgasmic pleasure "The judiciary has become so activist and so isolated from the American people that it's our job to do [figure out how to use the Congress to intimidate the judiciary]." After coming, he licked his own ass clean and ran home.

Oh, but daddy-killer DeLay did more because that. No, he had Pat Robertson fluff him up before unleashing his revenge on the Internets that have knocked over his big pile of shit, saying "And not only that, but he said in session that he does his own research on the Internet? That is just incredibly outrageous." If there's one thing Tom DeLay knows, it's that research just leads to not agreeing with his cuntass. And the INTERNET? Why, what fucking nerve! The Internet is a fucking porn distribution center, and Tom DeLay knows that that is all it can be use for that is legitimate. After all, it's what Clarence Thomas uses it for, and who the fuck does Anthony Kennedy think he is? Antonin "Sodomy" Scalia?

No, the Internet is nothing but unamerican trouble, we all know that, because the Internet is full of pajama-clad wankers who criticize and taunt DeLay. We should call it "Le Internet." Y'know, cause it's fucking French.

And goddamnit, Tom DeLay, the patron saint of humanitarian, won't fucking stand for this outrageous behavior any longer. The Internet has to go, and so must all who use it for non-porn purposes, such as Anthony Kennedy.

And yes, Larry Craig, you limp-dicked pissant, we do have other things to talk about. But your dumb asses just keep making it easy to hammer away at this son of a bitch.