Uncivil Discourse

Because civility is overrated.

Thursday, April 28, 2005

Presidential Wankery

So I missed President Codpiece's press conference tonight, but you can find a transcript here. And dear sweet lord, we're all fucked.

"In the near term, we will continue to encourage oil-producing nations to maximize their production."

Read: "I'm going to sodomize every last caribou in ANWR with an oil drill while we make the environmentalists watch, Clockwork Orange-style. Then it'll be Bush a million, environment 0! Now suck it, Democrats!"

I'll note that I read "Suck it, Democrats" into everything Bush says. Force of fucking habit and all. I'll suppress it from here on.

"Here at home, we'll protect consumers. There will be no price gouging at gas pumps in America."

Read: "I hope nobody remembers "protecting consumers" is how we described the Rich Are Better Than You bill. Who am I kidding? These are the same bitches that elected me again! Of course they don't remember that far back."

"In the past decade, America's energy consumption has been growing about 40 times faster than our energy production. That means we're relying more on energy produced abroad."

Read: "ANWR! ANWR! Bow before me, caribou!"

"They understand that Social Security is headed for serious financial trouble and they expect their leaders in Washington to address the problem."

If by "they" you mean "the idiots that voted for me," then sure. Otherwise, in general, they don't seem to, because THERE IS NO FUCKING PROBLEM. And if you think otherwise, go read the goddamned archives at Max Speak, You Listen! RIGHT NOW. Go!

"As a matter of fairness, I propose that future generations receive benefits equal to or greater than the benefits today's seniors get."

Read: "Maybe if I say this, these bitches won't know that what I really want to do is to index benefits to inflation, not to wages, in the end cutting their benefits without them knowing!"

Ok, so I'm giving the motherfucker too much credit. After all, he doesn't fucking have a plan, and if he did, given his track record with managing money, why would I think he would grasp it?

Atrios gives a brief sketch of the "plan" underneath all of this. Remember, President Wing Commander doesn't fucking have one, and don't you dare accuse him of it!

"If you work hard and pay into Social Security your entire life, you will not retire into poverty."

Read: "Because by the time my cheap labor starve the beast ass is done with you, you'll never be able to retire, you lazy twats!"

"Third, any reform of Social Security must replace the empty promises being made to younger workers with real assets, real money...I know some Americans have reservations about investing in the stock market, so I propose that one investment option consist entirely of treasury bonds, which are backed by the full faith and credit of the United States government."

Read: "Just watch me contradict myself, you stupid cunts. These "real assets" are the same thing you bitches had before, treasury bonds backed by the full faith and credit of the government. Oh yeah, I've got some real assets you can suck. Shit, this is better than the ass-raping those terrorist bastards are getting at Gitmo."

"In the coming days and weeks I'll work with both the House and the Senate as they take the next steps in the legislative process."

Read: "By "work with," I really mean 'jack off on.'"

"Social Security is too important for politics as usual."

Read: "But not for my brand of fucking politics, which is why we labeled the AARP as a bunch of homo-lovers for opposing us. It's good to be the President."

Jesus fuck us in the Christhole, will the douchebaggery never end?

The worst part is I can just see him, Dick Cheney, and Karl Rove pelvic thrusting in the Oval Office, which is a mental image not too fucking far removed from a naked Ann Coulter. Anyway, I'll follow up on the Minutemen tomorrow.